Friday, November 13, 2009

Clear as crystal

In my effort (and believe me, it IS an effort) to remain transparent concerning this journey my Sweet Hubby and I began over a year ago, and now my solitary path, I just wanted to say that I began grief counseling today with a Christian therapist.

It has been 369 days since my beloved was called Home and I have cried each and every one of them. Hard, sobbing tears. I prefer to be alone, I don't reach out, I don't do a lot of things I should do. I haven't seen my doctor since my Sweet Hubby's diagnosis and the medications I'm supposed to be on daily are long since gone. And my health is affected. I'm a nurse and I know better. I just haven't...cared.

The therapist asked me today if I'm trying to speed my own passing. And honestly, I had to think about it for a minute. But no...I'm not. At least I don't believe I am. I just don't care about 'me' the way I used to. Because that part of 'me' left 369 days ago.

Many things hurt more now than they ever did before. My Sweet Hubby was a wonderful and willing shock absorber. Who do you turn to when your confidante is gone? Who wraps their arms around you at the end of a bad day when you're all alone? I feel like I'm just one big, exposed nerve ending. To have people ask "when are you going to get over it?" or "when are you going to get on with your life?" is just incomprehensible to me. This IS my life, now. To lose people - friends - from your life that you never expected to lose - people you just knew would be your 'rock'...well...pain on pain.

So, I'm floundering in this sea of grief. And as independent and stubborn as I am, today I asked for a life jacket. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to "do this" on my own. I'm disappointed in myself. But I'm putting it all out there anyway because we're called to be crystal clear.

And it is my prayer that your love may be more and more accompanied by clear knowledge and keen perception, for testing things that differ, so that you may be men of transparent character, and may be blameless, in preparation for the day of Christ, being filled with these fruits of righteousness which come through Jesus Christ-- to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11

6 comments:

Jess said...

Even though it's embarrassing...it is very wonderful that you are seeking help. Too many do not, and then you know all too well what happens. Do not be ashamed...we all need help.

I'm glad to see you sorting through your grief. Ignoring it is awful, but laying in it forever and never seeing light is worse.

Prayers for you
Love, Jess

Jody said...

I have to tell you that studying and teaching JOB in a women's sunday school class has been a hard task. This is the first time I've ever led and taught this book. The greatest lesson so far: just keep your mouth shut and when you do open it be so saturated with the love of God and His Word that what you say will not hurt the one you are speaking to. Job's 'friends' did him no good and they were good at tormenting him. I am so sorry those you thought would be there for you have not been. I pray that God has brought true friends into your life. I am glad you are talking to someone else about what your life is and praying God will work through these times together. I've been thinking about you everyday, lifting you to our sweet Savior. To the praise and glory of God.

Tamela's Place said...

My heart aches for you gigi. People you thought would always be there for you and now their really not, i can tell you that the reason they aren't is not because they don't love you and don't want to hear it anymore, they just feel helpless because they don't know how to be. They desire so bad to give you what you need but they can't and they don't know how, and they are at a loss. I guarantee it tho that they are lifting you in prayer (those who truly care that is) and pleading with God to bring you what you need during this time, because they know that only God can fill your heart and being with what is needed in this venture of your life. I want you to know that even tho we never converse person to person i do think about you and pray for you. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel in your heart but i do know that God knows your pain and hears your cries. Even when you think He is not listening i can tell you that He truly is listening. I do not have answers to why certain things happen in our lives and i am not going to go on as Job's friends like i do have all the answers. But i do know and I will say again that God does hear you and loves you and so do other people out there. Why don't God just take the pain away, i don't have the answer to that, but i do know that with time He will make all things beautiful. I am glad that you are at least talking to someone. You have heard the term "GOOD GRIEF" well this is good what you are doing for your grieving! Like your friend Jess said ignoring it and laying in it would be an awful way of grieving.

May the Lord be near you gigi

Love you
Tamela

nancygrayce said...

Never be embarrassed to seek help! Everyone needs help when they need help! I'm proud you are trying to see ahead and are having a professional help you!

I'm thinking about you and will pray!

Janice said...

Hi Dear Gigi,
There is no shame in seeking help. I have invested in Christian counseling off and on for myself for the past 20 years. The BEST investment I have made for me...well worth the price I have paid.

I have never known what it is like to have someone to come home to...what it is like to have someone hold me at the end of a bad day. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night, I imagine that I am lying in the hand of God, like the pillows in my mattress are the folds in his palm and I sink into them and ask Him to please hold me tight. Sounds a little crazy but there are times when I know I am in his hand (and his hands are so widespread, it only take one).

I don't have any advice for you today, just encouragement that you are doing a good thing for yourself. And I know so well in my heart that God is the only One who will never leave us. And I also know that He is enough...

Love you,
Janice

Dawn said...

I can't even imagine. But I am so thankful that you are seeking help. That is a brave step!