And since it's Monday, I will begin with this video...
Motions ~ Matthew West
Going through the motions. That's been my life for these past 9+ months.
As Christians, we speak of "transparency." Exposing our true selves - faults, warts and all. Letting others see the ugly parts of us that we normally keep tucked away so they won't think less of us. Deep breath...
People ask me how I'm doing. I say "fine." Or "hanging in there, thanks for asking." But that's not being honest. It's telling them what they want to hear, what they want to believe because after 9 months I should be OK, right? After all, I'm not the first woman to lose a husband...sigh.
The truth is:
I feel like my life ended when my Sweet Hubby's did. I have no interest in anything, I don't have any energy or motivation to do anything. I work when I feel up to it, but definitely can't even consider it part time. I am withdrawing from everyone and everything. And I just really don't care...I may smile on the outside but I feel dead on the inside. I guess feeling nothing is the same as feeling dead, isn't it?
Someone emailed me today that they check my blog if they don't hear from me knowing that if something were really wrong it would be on my blog. Nothing could be further from the truth!! Because the truth is ugly...see? Why would I want anyone to really know how (or how little, actually) I'm feeling? They might see that I (gasp!) don't have it all together. That I'm actually quite a big mess, in fact.
I'm a walking catastrophe mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel like in my present state of being, I let everyone down. My family, my friends, my husband and my God. I want to do better...but then again - I just don't care. I don't have the wherewithal to do anything about it. What a crossroads, huh?
I've always been a strong-willed person. Ask anyone who knows me - they'll tell you...this is not my normal state. I'm a "get in the trenches and do what you need to do" type of person. I've never been afraid to get dirty. And things got plenty dirty when my Sweet Hubby got sick.
But since I lost him, I feel like I've lost everything. We shared everything. Now, I share nothing...
I'm just going through the motions.
So like the song said...I don't care if I break - at least I'll be feeling something. And something's got to be better than nothing. Right?
I've been mulling over posting about all of this since receiving two specific emails from GriefShare:
Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.And:
"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.
"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."
Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.
When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).
Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.
"Don't imagine that you're gonna tough this out and make it all by yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway.
Do you have a person with whom you can share your innermost feelings about your loss? Take action to find someone. Often it is helpful to find someone who has experienced a loss similar to your own.
Pray first that God will direct you. Then make a list of family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers with whom you might share. Pick up the phone and plan a time to meet and talk. You might also call your local church and explain that you just need someone to talk to about your situation. Another idea is to find a grief support group where you can share, ventilate, talk, and find support from others who can truly relate.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
Lord, direct me to the person You want me to have as a friend and confidant during this time of grief. Amen.
So I've prayed about it...and prayed about it some more. Which leads me here, to today's post and sharing this with you. Because I don't want to go through the motions. And I don't want to pretend anymore.
There. Warts exposed.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV