He's not shaken

Another milestone passed by yesterday...it's been 9 months since my Sweet Hubby went to be with the Lord. And most days I'm still in disbelief. How can it be? We had so many plans...dreams...

So many days I just cry to the Lord, "I don't understand..."

And while losing my precious husband devastated my entire world - left it tilted and forever changed, HE'S not shaken. My God is still my Rock and my salvation. I know He has a plan for my life because His Word is clear.

Someone posted on my bereavement forum through CancerCare that, "it (living without our spouse) gets easier, but it never gets better." I haven't reached "easier" yet and I am pretty sure they're right and that I'll never reach "better." Until He calls me home. Then I'll be better. So until then, I just do the best I can...place my trust and my life in my Father's Hands and remind myself that He's not shaken.

**Remember to scroll down and pause my player before listening**

You're Not Shaken ~ Phil Stacey

You're Not Shaken
(lyrics)

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why

How could this be from Your hand
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down

Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken
I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while

I'm here And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan
When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Yeah, He loves us!!

Some days I feel an extra portion of God's love for me. It's usually delivered on the wings of angels I like to call "friends." I have been blessed with some very special ones. And this past year, I have needed them (more than ever). Oh. So. Very. Much.

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to spend the day with a wonderful friend, JJ. We've know each other for a long time, but we don't get to see each other very often. But I will tell you...this woman has been faithfully calling me every day. That's right...every day. For months and months and months and...well, you get the point. "How are you? Just calling to check in and see how things are going..." Now, I'll tell you something...I don't always answer my phone. Some days I just don't have it in me to talk to anyone. But you know what? She's OK with that...she knows that when I come up for air, I will call.

Oh, and did I mention that she has twin infants? And a 5 year old? Yet, she manages to find time in her craaaaazy life to reach out to me, her friend, every day. Did I mention that she calls every day?

So, Saturday, after more than a month of planning - we actually got to spend time, just the two of us (thanks T!!) shopping...lunching...laughing...spending...chatting. It was so much fun. And all that much sweeter because we don't get to do it often. Ahhhhhh. It was wonderful!

Yeah. He loves us!! And sometimes that love comes in the form of a hug (or a phone call!) from a friend. JJ...today's Music Monday selection is for you - thanks for the day!

**Remember to scroll down and pause my player before listening**

How He Loves ~ David Crowder Band

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 1 John 4:11

About all I can do...

Ever have one of those days? ...sigh...yeah, me too.

So, for today - about all I can do is "breathe." It'll have to be enough.

**Remember to scroll down and pause my player before listening."

Breathe ~ Michael W. Smith

"Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD." Psalm 150:6

First time ever!

It was bound to happen...after all - I have been blogging for more than a year now, you know!

So yep, here it is...In the Throne Room's first Meme - courtesy of Diane at Diane's Place - so thanks for the inspiration (and the questions) Diane! Let's get started, k?

1.] How come I can never find: A deposit slip to the right account when I need one? When I have a business deposit, inevitably I have my personal checkbook on me and vice versa. I've decided to be a bit smarter and start carrying a few of each in my car's glove compartment. Why didn't I think of that sooner, hmm?

2.] I wish I'd never started: Smoking at the age of 13. Now, I no longer smoke...haven't for 20+ years. But it was a stupid habit to pick up in the first place. Ugh.

3.] I wonder why: Everything seems different in the dark, scarier somehow. I guess I'm just a sunshine kind of gal!

4.] Mama always told me: "How you yell into the woods is how it comes back to you." The German version of "do unto others." Words to live by.

5.] There's this one thing in my closet that I just can't seem to get rid of: Pocketbooks. And it's not just one. HA! What's a word for "(way) more than many?" I just can't part with a single one - I have a serious handbag addiction. (And my Sweet Hubby was quite the "enabler" - just so you know!) But shhh, it'll be our little secret, right?!

6.] My favorite guilty pleasure is: Frozen low or nonfat yogurt from The Skinny Dip. Oh...the coconut is out of this world delicious. Trust me! However, if I'm to be totally honest here - I almost never feel guilty!

7.] I always forget to: Recharge my cell phones until the verrrrry last minute. Umm yeah, sorry...didn't reaaallly hang up on you!

8.] I have never: Owned a gun, fired a gun, touched a gun. Never, ever. And don't plan to.

9.] I'm obsessed with: Well, my obsessions change frequently but currently it's "Brickbreaker" on my Blackberry. It's a game...reminds me of "Pong" from the (very) old Atari days.

10.] One of my favorite memories is: Going to the farmer's market in Germany with my Opa when I was 4. The smells...oh the smells are with me till this day. How I wish we had a farmer's market the likes of that one...

Well, there you have it. 10 pieces of Gigi Trivia that you could have gone the rest of your life without knowing, right?! Hope you had even the tiniest bit of fun - I know I did!

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'" Psalm 126.2

In our brokenness

We all have our sufferings, our disappointments, our hurts and injustices...right? So what are we to do?

We do have choices, you know...

Some choose to sweep them under the rug - thinking if they don't acknowledge the "whatever" - it will just disappear.

Some embrace them and "put them on" as they would a wetsuit. And the "whatever" becomes like a second skin. Protective perhaps, but keeping them from truly experiencing life around them.

Some turn to artificial means of support - drugs, alcohol, a liaison...anything to take their mind off of "whatever."

And some fall on their knees and take "whatever" to the Father. It is at the Throne where we are welcomed in all of our brokenness. Nothing is beyond the Father's repair. He is the Creator of all, the Restorer of all, the Redeemer of all. He paid the price...for all.

I hope you enjoy this week's Music Monday choice. May you know God's love this week, and always.

**Remember to scroll down and pause my player before listening.**

Unredeemed ~ Selah

"O Lord, You have pleaded my soul's cause; You have redeemed my life." Lamentations 3:58

Know the enemy

Another memory knocks on my door today, waiting to be let in, relived, mourned...

It was shortly after noon, one year ago today, that my Sweet Hubby's gastroenterologist, Dr. Jansen called with the results of his liver biopsy. Adenocarcinoma of the tail of the pancreas. The deadliest diagnosis we could have gotten. The enemy now had a name. As a nurse, my heart just dropped at the words...a hideous cancer - aggressive and next to impossible to treat.

Did we have an oncologist? No. Could he recommend some to us? He did. We tried to get in with Dr. Michael Lee (in fact, Dr. Jansen made the call) but he was not accepting patients at that time. As fate would have it, he was my Sweet Hubby's oncologist for the last three weeks of his life. How I wish we could have been with him the entire course. I don't know that things would have been different, but maybe...

My Sweet Hubby was blessed to have two wonderful doctors: Dr. Jan Jansen and Dr. Michael Lee. I pray for these men often. They are both Christian men of great faith and it shows in their words, their compassion - in every way they interact with their patients and families.

It's been a very difficult month. Too many hard to relive events all piled up on top of each other. I'm hoping to be able to come up for air now.

"And with grief in her soul, weeping bitterly, she made her prayer to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:10

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On a personal note - I would just like to say "thanks" to those of you who called, or left me a "happy birthday" comment, or sent a card, or flowers, or a fruit arrangement for my birthday. Your kindness made such a hard, tear-filled day a bit easier. You have been His hands and feet. God bless you.

The bouquet

This bouquet was my last birthday gift from my Sweet Hubby. Yes, today is my birthday...

He awoke before me, and as sick and weak as he was, went out into our yard and snipped here and there. A couple hydrangeas here, a few lilies there...

It was the most beautiful bouquet I've ever seen. It was put together with loving hands. I loved it and wanted it to last forever...

My Sweet Hubby always made a big fuss over my birthday. He said he didn't believe a day was enough and insisted that I have a birthday week. And he would start with the birthday wishes weeks in advance...oh, he always made me feel so special. So treasured. So loved.

Thank you, Sweetheart, for always making my dreams come true. Your love was the best gift of all...I am so very blessed to have called you mine.

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feeds among the lilies." Song of Solomon 2:16

I don't even remember his name

One year ago today; sometime after 4:30 in the afternoon, a doctor entered my Sweet Hubby's hospital room. We had been waiting for more than a day for test results.

This doctor came in, sat down and began stumbling around...blood work fine, but the CT showed a mass on the tail of the pancreas. Multiple lesions to the liver. More stumbling...Finally I said, "are you trying to tell us that my husband has pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to his liver?" One word. Yes.

That doctor delivered the most devastating news that I have ever heard in my life.

And I don't even remember his name.

Not that it matters...the result is still the same.

But one thing does matter. One thing I can assure you friends...there were no tears, no "why me" mentality. Only prayer, praise and worship.

And as I struggle here now, alone, I try to remember that. I try to honor that. Honor my Savior.

Only now - there are tears.

"But praise be to God who gives us strength to overcome through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

Just...sorrow

Another "9th" is almost over. And I'm one month further in the process of grieving for my Sweet Hubby. I can tell you with every fiber of my being...it doesn't get easier, it doesn't hurt less.

I now know that there are some wounds that time doesn't heal.

I love you sweetheart. And I miss you beyond words.

Always,
Your True
xo

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

The first of many

A year ago today, my Sweet Hubby awoke feeling "a bit better" (as he put it) but still moving really slowly. Not at all with the usual "spring in his step." It didn't take much coaxing to get him to stay home again...and this time I told him I would be calling his doctor to get an appointment.

He saw the doctor at 2:30 that afternoon. By 4:00 we were at the hospital across the street, in the ER, waiting to be admitted. All we knew at that point was that he was severely anemic and needed a blood transfusion. Suspected diagnosis? A bleeding stomach ulcer.

That admission was the first, but most certainly not the last; the blood transfusion only the first of many.

Funny...I sure didn't feel our world crashing down around us. But, oh how it was...

"And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
Matthew 28:20